My first year as a single mom was difficult. The kids cried for their daddy and I cried for the companionship of my friend, lover, confidant, and husband.
Faced with no income at first(it takes a while for the insurance company to send insurance money) I sold my engagement ring to purchase groceries to feed the kids. Thank goodness we also had mortgage insurance and the house would be paid off with that money. Once all the insurance money arrived we were pretty well set financially for a while anyway.
But with all the housework and yard work and upkeep of a home I was soon overwhelmed with it all. I remember many nights after the children were in bed, retreating to the basement family room to cry and feel sorry for myself. The hardest thing for me was dealing with everything alone, with no one to share the bad times as well as the good times with. I had family, but none living close enough to me to be of any weekly help. I cried because I couldn't do it all. The cleaning, the lawn mowing, the weeding, the laundry, dealing with sick kids...with no one to help...EVER! It was during that first year of crying in the family room that I pulled out my Bible and began to read. I started in Psalms as they were my favorite. I found comfort. And I once again learned to lean on God and let go of my anger at Him. It took a while. See, this wasn't the first person I had lost to death. My dad was killed by a drunk driver when I was a senior in high school and my mom died 3 years later while I was in college. I have an older sister and a younger sister. My older sister was married and had just had a new baby when my mom died and was pregnant with her 4 childd when Dave died, and she lived out of town. My younger sister was in high school when mom died and I quit college and got a full time job so I could take care of her and get her through high school. I never returned to college. I met Dave and we married and had our first child 2 days before our first wedding anniversary. I don't tell you this story so you will feel sorry for me. I'm just laying the groundwork so you will understand the anger I had toward the Lord for allowing Dave to die. And the guilt I felt over that anger was huge! Yet, I wasn't able to let it go for quite some time. But when I fianlly released it....oh how much stronger I felt and what a relief off my shoulders.
No matter how hard it gets being a single mom, the one thing we all have to count on is the LORD. Sometimes we think He isn't there with us...but it's those times I found that I was absent from HIM. Without Him, where would any of us be?