Starbucks and Kids:-)

Funny how much things change when you become single....I always felt like I was already a "single Mom" because my dh worked nights and didn't do much around the house. When the kids were babies I nursed them and they were my pretty much my responsibility. He didn't even change diapers because we used cloth and I didn't want him to mess them up lol He never got up at night with them. We also made the choice to not use babysitters so the kids went with us everywhere. If we ever had to leave them with anyone my parents lived 3 houses down so they would watch them. We still hurried to pick them up and never abused the situation by having them do it a lot. I honestly didn't think much would change when I moved here but I was WRONG. I still have the same responsibilities but now I don't have the option to go off alone like I did...just the fact that the option is GONE makes this harder if that makes sense. Tonight was a perfect example of how much my thinking has changed. I have been here 7 months and with the exception of when I had surgery I haven't really been away from my kids. I actually took a day off work just to be alone!...anyway, tonight the church was having a movie night for the kids and the old me would have jumped right in to see how I could help and I would have stayed...the new me said "so I can leave the kids and I don't have to stay?" and when they said NO I did a little happy dance and invited some ladies out for Starbucks lol It was SO nice to just be around other women. I need that fellowship more now than I ever did...I get so lonely and some days I feel so overwhelmed with the amount of things I have to do...It is hard to turn my brain off...I always have a mental list going in my head and I can only put things off so long...Like I still need to get an oil change, go grocery shopping, buy shoes for my kids, take them to spend their gift cards from CHRISTMAS!, plan a birthday and a million other things:::sigh::::it is exhausting at times because it is just me. Housework is never ending and I have had to let my standards go down a little. I miss having lines in my carpets from the vacuum;-) Tomorrow starts another day full of never ending responsibility but for tonight I feel refreshed. Tonight I feel like I can do this..tonight I will go to bed with a smile on my face and I won't feel guilty because I needed this. The old me would have felt like a horrible Mom but the new me knows my limits. I REALLY needed this and I don't think those women know how blessed I was to just sit there and not have to think about custody battles, divorce lawyers etc Tonight I felt normal and that alone was a blessing. I am so thankful for my church and my friends...I really am blessed:-)

"Oh my gosh you are so strong"

"I could never do what you are doing"

both innocent statements but equally annoying....I get so frustrated when people tell me how strong *I* am because NONE of this has been done in my strength. I want people to see and know that God is doing this because I can't. I guess that is where the frustration comes in because God should be getting the glory not me. I know part of it is my fault because I hide a lot of my feelings so people don't realize how hard this is for me.....I want to say FTR this IS hard and there is no way I could have done any of it without my Fathers help. I have to constantly give this back to Him because I try to do this in my own strength and I can't. In fact, recently I tried to do something and actually got in my bed and curled up in a fetal position and cried. Yes, I am 37:-) I wanted so much to give up. I was blessed to have a wonderful friend that not only knows my heart but always points me to God to remind me that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. I sometimes...ok a lot of the time... need to be reminded of that. This IS hard but I have the comfort of knowing that *I* don't have to do this alone because I do have my Father...He loves me:-)

My Journey to the Promised Land

My name is Barbie and I am a single Mom of three beautiful children. They are ages 13(b), 9(b) and 7(g)....I don't even know where to start in my story. I was married for 17 years to an unbeliever. He was controlling, emotionally abusive and the love of my life. I still love him with all of my heart which made the decision to leave that much harder. Looking back I I can't tell you when things started to go downhill because I always thought we had a great marriage. We both got along great and we laughed all the time. I learned quickly to not push his buttons and to be the submissive wife...we had a little dance we did and it worked or so I thought. . It has taken me months to realize this isn't about me or what was lacking in the marriage...This is about someone who so desperately needs God that he is trying to fill that void with everything the world offers. I still hold onto the hope that one day he will look up and see God. I put up with the emotional abuse and the affairs because I thought I was doing the right thing. I was taught to walk the road of forgiveness and love him till he found Jesus. I tried...I really really tried and when I couldn't do it anymore I struggled with feeling like *I* had failed. I guess the beginning of the end started around January of 2005 when his Mother moved in with us and was dying of cancer. This was a woman who had abandoned my dh when he was little. I foolishly thought that taking her in would help them patch up some old hurts. She didn't have anywhere else to go and I couldn't see putting her in a home. Things didn't get better for them. All that happened was I wore myself out trying to be everything to everybody with no support from their family. His sister even moved out of town to avoid responsibility. It was hard to take care of someone that hated you and I struggled greatly. I wish I could say that I that she was the model patient and I was the model caregiver but that wouldn't be real life....she hated me and called everyone who would listen to tell lies about me and I started having panic attacks and taking medication for anxiety. That was our life and he decided that while I was working, homeschooling our oldest and taking care of his Mom that he would have another affair::::deep breath and a quick prayer::::this is more than I have shared on my public blog.:::sigh::::Ok if this helps even one person then I will continue. Wow this is hard....he moved out of the house leaving his Mother for me to continue taking care of....something in ME died at that point and I think that was the last straw. I did take him back because he asked to come back and once again I thought forgiving someone meant putting up with it. That November she passed away in my arms with her ex husband being the only other person that bothered to come up to the hospital. Even my dh didn't come to see her take her last breath. It was a horrible death to watch and I was grateful that they didn't have to see it but I also lost some respect for him because he didn't come. In Jan of 2006 I decided I needed a break. I had just lived what I thought was the hardest year of my life and I needed to get away from everyone. I flew in a plane for the first time in my life and I went to visit a dear friend. Someone that has truly been there for me and has just shown me the love of Christ. I spent a week in a hotel with God and for the first time I felt released from my marriage. I hadn't felt that before and I think being out of the situation I could see it for what it truly was and that was very broken. My children were learning things that weren't healthy and I had to make a choice. Within a month of coming back I told him I was leaving. I knew that our marriage was over but I also felt like I couldn't do this in the same state. That was VERY strong in my heart. I started researching different cities and states. After much research and prayer I settled on 5 states. In March we went together to visit two and I hated both lol I found out that I hated mountains with a passion! Having been born and raised in Florida I had no idea that I was that scared of heights. That narrowed down my 5 states:-) To make a long story short it looked like everything was pointing to Oklahoma. I had such a peace about moving here. I started making plans to leave and money on the side to do it. I knew in my heart this was God's will and I have never doubted that...not even when things got tough. I moved from Florida to Oklahoma August 1st with my 3 kids, dog, cat and a little Uhaul with as much as I could fit in it:-) I came completely on faith. I didn't even have a job lined up when I moved here but I knew God had a plan.... He did and He has taken care of us in every way. I am always in awe at the little ways He has taken care of us and continues to do so. I didn't know why God said Oklahoma but I knew this was His will and because I had such a peace I was able to step out in faith...God has blessed that and is always one step ahead of me:-) He has provided a church home that has blessed my socks off and a job that I love with people that I adore. A state where sin is still against the law and my children are protected. A state where everyone still looks after their neighbor. I truly feel like I stepped back in time to a world that God is still alive and well in...God is still in Oklahoma! Coming from a city that was considered "murder capital of Florida" and where someone was murdered every 2.3 days I am just amazed that people don't realize how blessed they are to live here. This IS my promised land. I can't wait to see where God takes us from here. My story isn't over and the divorce isn't final ...I don't know what is going to happen from here but I know that God is in control and that is all I need to worry about....

Lord, I Need Your Covering Today

Lord, I need Your covering today. I am tired. I am weak. I am worn. The threads of hope are falling apart. And I am so alone. I need Your strength. I need Your hope. I need Your presence. I need Your covering. Come into me today and take over my body; direct and enable me to accomplish what You desire, what needs to be done. I trust You; I need You; I love You, Ame