Monday, February 26, 2007

My Journey to the Promised Land

My name is Barbie and I am a single Mom of three beautiful children. They are ages 13(b), 9(b) and 7(g)....I don't even know where to start in my story. I was married for 17 years to an unbeliever. He was controlling, emotionally abusive and the love of my life. I still love him with all of my heart which made the decision to leave that much harder. Looking back I I can't tell you when things started to go downhill because I always thought we had a great marriage. We both got along great and we laughed all the time. I learned quickly to not push his buttons and to be the submissive wife...we had a little dance we did and it worked or so I thought. . It has taken me months to realize this isn't about me or what was lacking in the marriage...This is about someone who so desperately needs God that he is trying to fill that void with everything the world offers. I still hold onto the hope that one day he will look up and see God. I put up with the emotional abuse and the affairs because I thought I was doing the right thing. I was taught to walk the road of forgiveness and love him till he found Jesus. I tried...I really really tried and when I couldn't do it anymore I struggled with feeling like *I* had failed. I guess the beginning of the end started around January of 2005 when his Mother moved in with us and was dying of cancer. This was a woman who had abandoned my dh when he was little. I foolishly thought that taking her in would help them patch up some old hurts. She didn't have anywhere else to go and I couldn't see putting her in a home. Things didn't get better for them. All that happened was I wore myself out trying to be everything to everybody with no support from their family. His sister even moved out of town to avoid responsibility. It was hard to take care of someone that hated you and I struggled greatly. I wish I could say that I that she was the model patient and I was the model caregiver but that wouldn't be real life....she hated me and called everyone who would listen to tell lies about me and I started having panic attacks and taking medication for anxiety. That was our life and he decided that while I was working, homeschooling our oldest and taking care of his Mom that he would have another affair::::deep breath and a quick prayer::::this is more than I have shared on my public blog.:::sigh::::Ok if this helps even one person then I will continue. Wow this is hard....he moved out of the house leaving his Mother for me to continue taking care of....something in ME died at that point and I think that was the last straw. I did take him back because he asked to come back and once again I thought forgiving someone meant putting up with it. That November she passed away in my arms with her ex husband being the only other person that bothered to come up to the hospital. Even my dh didn't come to see her take her last breath. It was a horrible death to watch and I was grateful that they didn't have to see it but I also lost some respect for him because he didn't come. In Jan of 2006 I decided I needed a break. I had just lived what I thought was the hardest year of my life and I needed to get away from everyone. I flew in a plane for the first time in my life and I went to visit a dear friend. Someone that has truly been there for me and has just shown me the love of Christ. I spent a week in a hotel with God and for the first time I felt released from my marriage. I hadn't felt that before and I think being out of the situation I could see it for what it truly was and that was very broken. My children were learning things that weren't healthy and I had to make a choice. Within a month of coming back I told him I was leaving. I knew that our marriage was over but I also felt like I couldn't do this in the same state. That was VERY strong in my heart. I started researching different cities and states. After much research and prayer I settled on 5 states. In March we went together to visit two and I hated both lol I found out that I hated mountains with a passion! Having been born and raised in Florida I had no idea that I was that scared of heights. That narrowed down my 5 states:-) To make a long story short it looked like everything was pointing to Oklahoma. I had such a peace about moving here. I started making plans to leave and money on the side to do it. I knew in my heart this was God's will and I have never doubted that...not even when things got tough. I moved from Florida to Oklahoma August 1st with my 3 kids, dog, cat and a little Uhaul with as much as I could fit in it:-) I came completely on faith. I didn't even have a job lined up when I moved here but I knew God had a plan.... He did and He has taken care of us in every way. I am always in awe at the little ways He has taken care of us and continues to do so. I didn't know why God said Oklahoma but I knew this was His will and because I had such a peace I was able to step out in faith...God has blessed that and is always one step ahead of me:-) He has provided a church home that has blessed my socks off and a job that I love with people that I adore. A state where sin is still against the law and my children are protected. A state where everyone still looks after their neighbor. I truly feel like I stepped back in time to a world that God is still alive and well in...God is still in Oklahoma! Coming from a city that was considered "murder capital of Florida" and where someone was murdered every 2.3 days I am just amazed that people don't realize how blessed they are to live here. This IS my promised land. I can't wait to see where God takes us from here. My story isn't over and the divorce isn't final ...I don't know what is going to happen from here but I know that God is in control and that is all I need to worry about....

4 comments:

Blessed son of the King said...

Sometimes what is required is tough love... and that still doesn't guarantee things will work.
I'm sorry for where you are, but I'm glad you made the choice to respect yourself enough and care for your children enough to make the tough call.
Being submissive does not mean being a doormat. That is something that is way too misunderstood.
God sees you as worthy to give His Son Jesus Christ for you to redeem you. You must be able to esteem yourself as our Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit esteem you.
-- Praying for you...

Ame said...

Oh, Barbie!

Oh my Holy God, Sovereign, Powerful, Here With Us; thank You for Barbie. Thank You for her faith which You have infused into her. Thank You for bringing us across each other's path. Thank You for bringing her here, to The Covering. You are Sovereign. We lift our lives up to You and lay them on Your alter, Your throne. And we stand and fall in great praise and worship to You, our Mighty King! I love You, Ame

martie said...

Barbie, how brave to pick up and move to an entire different state and must have seemed like a different world. I am amazed at the strength of the women here that I have read....God has certainly not forsaken any of us!!

Larissa said...

Barbie,
I didn't know that was you who comments on my blog until I got to the moving part! That is a powerful story, and we have a lot more in common than you probably know! You're marriage sounds a lot like mine in many ways. And I think if I had been in my marriage longer, it would have been identical. That is so crazy to me how many common denominators I see in other divorced couples. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for leading me to this site!